Being a Parent in Grad School
Published on November 1, 2024
Whenever someone asks me, “How do you manage grad school as a parent of young kids?” I usually reply with the classic Epi line, “Well, it depends”
Erin Wissler-Gerdes,
3rd-year P(hD)arent
I started my PhD the same day my youngest started daycare. I packed up her diapers, her bottles, and her extra clothes, as well as my backpack, pumping bag, and lunch box, and dropped my 6-week-old off in her classroom. After shedding a few tears, I went to my first day of orientation. My journey as a parent and as a PhD student have been inextricably linked, and to anyone who thinks you can compartmentalize the two roles, I’d ask you what your secret is. I started my PhD the same day my youngest started daycare. I packed up her diapers, her bottles, and her extra clothes, as well as my backpack, pumping bag, and lunch box, and dropped my 6-week-old off in her classroom. After shedding a few tears, I went to my first day of orientation. My journey as a parent and as a PhD student have been inextricably linked, and to anyone who thinks you can compartmentalize the two roles, I’d ask you what your secret is.
Whenever someone asks me, “How do you manage grad school as a parent of young kids?” I usually reply with the classic Epi line, “Well, it depends”. As both a third year PhD student and a parent of two young children, I’ve learned there are several similarities between the two roles. In both positions, I am constantly driven to think about ideas more critically. I’m surrounded by those who are never satisfied with the first answer you give them. I have toddlers asking me, “Why?” and professors telling me to, “Say more” all day. I am humbled daily by how little I know about so many things. For example, when exactly do I use multiple instrument variable analysis? and what is Bluey’s dad’s name? Bandit?
Furthermore, all parents and PhD students must be organized and effectively time manage. When you are a parent AND a grad student, it becomes more of an Olympic sport to see how much productivity you can cram into your day. By the time I get into the office at 8:00 am, I have served at least one and a half meals, made two outfit changes, and had several pointless arguments with my three-year-old about why he cannot wear a Buzz Lightyear costume with his cowboy boots to school (one of these days I will relent!). My class notes are often littered with grocery items and to-do lists, but my time spent at school is productive and intentional because it may be the only time I have to work on school-related items. Kids are excellent enforcers of time management. Just ask any parent who has survived flu season with kids in daycare. Spoiler alert: kids do not plan their illnesses around your deadlines.
The most important similarity between the two roles is the push to be present. If you’ve ever tried to do anything productive while being yelled at to “Watch this!” 359 times in a row, you know it’s probably in your interest to give a demanding toddler your full attention. Likewise, there are only a few years in your life where your job is to learn. I’m actively soaking up what knowledge I can and trying to be present for all learning opportunities, both in and out of the classroom. Though I will admit, the post-lunch lectures really push the envelope on active learning.
In summary, there are more similarities in my role as a PhD student and a mom of two kids than I could have imagined coming into this journey. Managing grad school as a parent of young kids is chaos, but it is joyful chaos and I’d be remiss not to credit an incredible partner to support the crazy that is this journey. Some weeks are purely survival (thank you Trader Joe’s frozen section), and a yes to something is always a no to something else, which often creates hard choices. It means I may be overlooked for some opportunities and unable to partake in others (both of which I struggle to make peace with). But alas, I’m a person who is equally fulfilled by solving a coding issue in SAS and making perfectly shaped Harry Potter pancakes. And in a world full of public health problems to solve, it is really refreshing to come home to a toddler’s delight and awe in the mundane, like making brownies on a Tuesday evening. So, while there is an extremely high probability that I’m wearing someone else’s food or bodily fluid at any given time, I am inordinately grateful to have both roles of being a parent and being a PhD student.
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